Week 32: Self-compassion

This week, Tyler introduces self-compassion and how it can help those who experience maladaptive perfectionism.

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Last week, I talked about perfectionism and how utilizing its positive elements can actually promote performance and excellence. However, there will still be some whose perfectionism contributes to self-depreciation, self-criticism, and self-judgement. Today, I’m going to be introducing a concept pioneered by Dr. Kristin Neff at the University of Texas at Austin that will help those who struggle with the adverse effects of perfectionism.

First, I want you to imagine a close friend in your life who may be experiencing something challenging or difficult. As their friend, what are you to do? You are likely to provide them empathy, understanding, and compassion. No judgement or criticism to be had. Now, I want you to imagine yourself in the same situation as your friend. How would you treat yourself? Would you talk to yourself the same way as you talked to your friend? This is the premise behind self-compassion. Self-compassion is about treating ourselves with the same compassion as you would give to somebody else. Rather than viewing ourselves with judgement or criticism following our shortcomings or inadequacies, we treat ourselves with kindness and understanding. It’s the recognition that nobody is perfect, so why should we? Self-compassion promotes struggle or difficulty as a human condition experienced by all, rather than the “suck it up” or “ just deal with it” mentality.

There are three tenants of self-compassion. Together, these tenants promote the same compassion towards ourselves as we give towards others.

1. Self-Kindness: Self-kindness is the ability to show the same kindness to oneself as we show toward others. Rather than viewing oneself with criticism or judgement, it’s the ability to be kind and say “it’s okay, it will be better next time.” The key to this tenant is to be kind to ourselves despite shortcomings or challenges. The kinder we can be to ourselves, the better we will feel.

2. Common Humanity: Common humanity is the recognition that struggle or setbacks are experienced by all and is not isolated to the individual. It is the human experience that is shared by everyone. If one encounters failure, common humanity is recognizing that this same result would be encountered by others too. The purpose of this tenant is to remind people they are not alone in what they are experiencing.

3. Mindfulness: Mindfulness is the ability to recognize one’s experiences, even if they are negative. Mindfulness requires being non-judgemental towards one’s feelings and to experience them as they are. If one is feeling poorly, it’s sitting in these emotions and experiencing them fully. Mindfulness doesn’t ignore how we feel.

Self-compassion is an effective way to challenge the struggles one may experience due to perfectionism. If you find yourself being overly self-critical or self-judgemental, remember to show self-compassion. Be kind to yourself, recognize this experience is shared by others, and experience the moment fully. We deserve to treat ourselves with the same respect as we show others. Particularly when it comes to overcoming challenges and obstacles, self-compassion will assist with whatever you may face. I would encourage you all to use the tenants of self-compassion if faced with a challenge or difficulty this week.

If you would like to check out some of Dr. Neff’s work on self-compassion, visit her website at www.self-compassion.org!

Until next week,

Tyler

Twitter: tcmakepeace

Website: tylermakepeace.substack.com

Instagram: tylertalks.blog

ICYMI: Check out last week’s article below!

Week 30 - Using perfectionism to our advantage